In my previous post, I mentioned that I wanted to become the biggest loser. I want to reduce body fat in my tummy because I firmly believe that my bulging tummy is responsible for my 15lbs overweight from a 5’5’’ ideal weight for women.
Not only that, but I want to tone my tummy since it is already sagging. I am not aiming for a six-pack abs but at least the look of a flat tummy will do! I don’t want to be asked if I am pregnant or not. 
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Finally I could access my blog after a few hours of propagation. In as short as the life of this blog, I have been into so many servers for the past couple of months. Why? Because I simply want the best for my blog and my hosting services too. LOL!
Anyway, I am back blogging here again. Not that I am obliged to do it but I just want to share some piece of my mind life to the whole world. Because if I don’t, I find myself choking to death with all the drama I have. Yeah, I call it drama because some of you might be thinking I am just posting this because I just want to be melodramatic about my life. Well guess what? Bummer alert! I am like this since the beginning of time, I just want vent out all my life’s problems on my blogs as way to breathe fresh air in. Besides, this is my blog right? If you don’t want the drama if that’s what you call it, then hit that little red X button at the right side of your screen. Joke! Let me explain…
Why I am so “maldita” tonight? Well, I am just practicing. LOL! One of my kumare online told me that my husband is abusing me because I am so good. This might be the reason why he is stomping the life out of me because I am not fighting back. And guess what?! My kumara and my mother have the same opinion. They said I am so good and they both advised that it wouldn’t be bad to let the little lion on the loose. So, do you agree? That I should learn to fight back?
Well, I am fighting back. Not that violent though because I am a peaceful person. As much as possible I don’t want to fight, argue or shout. My methods are different, some might find it slow and martyr but I am fighting back in my own way. As of now, I am learning to plan to stand against any depressing and degrading situation. I am planning to be FREE and be HAPPY. This is my way of fighting back. So, is this a good move or not? What do you think?
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The only things that has been evident in my life are sickness and suffering. Sometimes, I asked myself several times if God has totally abandoned me because He has allowed too many pain to enter into my life that somehow I want to give it all up already.
Anyway, just the other month, on my birthday, my husband went out and enjoyed his time with his friends drinking and gambling. On the next day, he was not able to work because he was so drunk. When he came home, I asked him to leave. He agreed and took off 40% of his salary saying he will look for a place to stay. On the next day, he came back, dressed himself and went to work. When evening came, he just said sorry and told me he will never do it again. So I said, if that is so, then you should return the money to me so that I could budget it for the whole family. Unfortunately, he only returned to me 1000 out of 5000. To top it off, he already took 500 from my wallet while I was sleeping on my birthday.
Another incident happened, last Monday night, he said that his boss and his co-workers will have a meeting and there after they will have some get together. He asked me for money saying that he will pay me the next day because we will have his check changed from a bank. I said I only have a few bucks to spare, so he asked for 800 pesos. I told him if I give him money he will be tempted to visit his drinking and gambling friends but he said no he won’t be tempted. He said he wants money just to have money on his wallet so that he wouldn’t be teased by his co-workers that he doesn’t have money. So, I gave him money believing he will keep his promise.
When 12MN came, I texted his co-worker if he is still with them. They said yes but around 1AM, his co-worker texted me that my husband is nowhere to be found. He didn’t asked permission to leave. He just left them behind. So eventually, my husband didn’t work. Actually, it was our plan so that we could exchange his check and have our two daughters’ checked up because their chicken pox have worsen. Unfortunately, our plan didn’t happen because he came home around 1PM drunk and useless! I tried to talk to him and ask him why he did this again and all he was saying was sorry, sorry and sorry. But around 3:30PM, he woke up and told me to get dressed up. He said we will go somewhere and have the check exchange for cash. I was not that responsive because he was still a little bit drunk but he said hurry up. Since I needed money for the kids’ check-up and medicines, I dressed up myself and went with him.
When we arrived at the place, we got the money exchanged. He asked for three thousand and I asked back why. He said he wants money because it is his money. I told him why he wants to have the money for? He just told me that he wants it because it is his money. So I told him, if I give him money, he will just waste it on drinking and gambling. He didn’t care. He just told me to stop caring about him because that is what he is. We got into a fight again because I told him not to spend money on drinking and gambling and he said I shouldn’t care and all. He sent me home and I left him. I was crying already because of his heartless actions. So up until now, he hasn’t gone home. He is with his friends that he doesn’t want me to meet. He said he doesn’t have a girl but only men who drinks and gamble 24/7. I am not sure if he telling the truth since he always lie to me and aside from that these friends of his lives near a place where prostitutes, addicts, gamblers and drinkers abound. He loves it there.
This story is not new. This happens to our marriage almost every week. It becomes more severe when he knows I have money or it’s his payday. The cycle never ends – the drinking, the gambling, the lies and the heartless actions. He never cares.
Now, I am already in too much pain. I want the cycle to end. I want to stop being a stupid moron always believing in his lie and the dream of having a happy family. I am so tired in all my pain and suffering. I asked him many times that he should leave us if he doesn’t care for us. Leaving us is better than making us suffer from his heartless actions and unfavorable example as a parent but he woundn’t.
So, here I am now. Lonely, suffering and in utter bitterness… I really want to leave him and a pack up our things. If he will not leave us, then maybe I should. I want to leave him and bring the kids with me. I can’t stand it anymore. If I am with him, I am unhappy, bitter and angry. I am not becoming a good person because of him. He makes me angry and sad that sometimes my kids are affected too. Aside from that, he is a bad example to our children. He steals money from my wallet. He drinks. He lies. He gambles. He doesn’t care. He simply won’t care for his children even now that they are sick with chicken pox and fever. He is so heartless!
If I leave him, does that make me a bad person? A family breaker? I know I have my own mistakes but I think it is not enough for him to make me suffer relentlessly. I want to be a better person, not for myself but for my children. I want to be happy so that I can be a happy mother. I want to be strong and goal oriented, not depress, sad and emotionally battered. I want freedom… I want to be free from these endless cycle of pain, misery and depression!
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In my previous posts earlier this week, I have mentioned that my little one has a health related problem. We speculate that my sweet baby has hernia.
We first discovered this when she was crying. We thought it was a just a lymph node that her body created as reaction to some foreign bodies in her system. Then a few days later, it was disappearing and then gone.
One day, when she was crying frantically, we saw the hard bump again. I got scared that all sort of thoughts were running inside my brain. But when she stopped crying the bump was gone! There and then I realized she has hernia. My mom wouldn’t believe it because she thinks that hernias are experienced by boys only. Then again it was proven to be hernia because every time she cries the bump appears and if she doesn’t the bump disappears.
My husband consulted it with their company doctor and he said it is indeed hernia but he needs to check it out to know what type of hernia our baby has. He also said that knowing the type will determine the urgency for surgery to close it out. So later today, around nine in the morning, we will bring the baby to the doctor’s clinic.
My initial reaction to the doctor’s surgery solution was like “what?!” I can’t understand why my baby needs to suffer like this when she is innocent. Why not give such kind of problem to my husband who is being a pain in the ass since our marriage and why to our innocent baby??!! I may sound like a bad wife but hey, I don’t want my baby to suffer. She is one of my precious innocent angels but then she has to undergo such things. It seemed to be unfair!!
Oh well, I know everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it is just so frustrating that I could not understand the reason why God is allowing these things to happen. It makes me so sad that my baby is allowed to suffer such things. Anyway, all I can do right now is pray and trust God that everything will be alright. I pray that Baby Bella will shine right out of the situation and end up victorious!!
To all my friends and Bella’s godparents, please pray that Baby Bella Grace will pass through this health problem with flying colors. Pray for her healing and fast recovery. Keep her in your prayers and so as our family. Thank you very much!!
Last Wednesday going on Thursday, around 12mn, I heard a loud bang on our gate. My husband was banging and kicking the gate. He was shouting and I got so scared. So, I asked my mom to open it because every time my husband is drunk he tends to verbally abuse and insult me to the highest level. Then my mom opened the gate and reprimanded my husband because he was being noisy. He pushed my mom but still didn’t go inside and again walked to the road. His friends went with him and pleaded that he goes home and sleep. He was still chaotic but after a few minutes, he went home and slept at the living room. I prepared a place for him to sleep because I am afraid he might run over the baby when he is sleeping.
When morning came, he didn’t go to work. He slept all day. When he woke up, we didn’t talk. We have been like this for a week now because we had a previous fight about his drinking and now this.
Around the evening, I told him of what he did. I told him that I got scared of the things he had done which he claimed he didn’t remember. Every time he is drunk and hurt me verbally, he always said that he didn’t remember what he said or done. I told him that it’s enough. I couldn’t take it anymore to be afraid of him when he gets drunk. It’s very traumatic for me and makes me so feel down. So I told him to please change and if he doesn’t, I will ask legal help to keep him away from me and the children, verbal abuse is still abuse and I know I could get protection from it if I wanted.
Anyway, I also told him if he won’t change maybe its better that he leaves the house. Staying together is making our marriage worst because he wouldn’t give up his drinking. He always thinks that he is only drinking for fun and enjoyment. He believes I could still tolerate his behavior.
Then I was shocked by his reply. He said he will leave us. I never thought he would say that because I thought he loves me and our children than his drinking. Anyway to make the story short, he did left us. Last Friday, he left the house with some of his clothes and until now he hasn’t returned.
We had fights like this before since we got back together but he never actually leaves but now he did. So it made me believe that he has another woman again. Because like before, he was confident to leave me because he had found a woman who would support him with his drinking and would show concern. But when his other woman has no money anymore and could no longer support his wants, he left her and came back to me. Now, I think he has another woman again because he never leaves another one if he couldn’t find another to replace where he could feed on its kindness.
Another thing, he always leave me with many financial problems just like before. Like now, we have many debts to pay (good for him because it’s always on my name), the children’s going back to school thus we need money for their school needs and its Bella’s dedication.
Before, I was able to confirm he had another woman on our son’s child dedication. He was not able to attend because he was with his another woman. Now, it’s our second daughter’s dedication this coming Saturday and he is nowhere to be found. He knew I needed his help financially and morally but he is nowhere.
So, it made me ponder so hard, am I back living a life of a single mom again? Is this the finality of all the sacrifice I made to keep this marriage together? Am I born to be alone? Is this it? My confusion is making me sad.
Last Tuesday, my son took an exam for him to be admitted as a Grade One. When the teacher arrived, she asked me who my son is and then why she didn’t saw him took the summer classes which is very optional. I replied with respect and decency. Not hearing my reply, she continued asking around with other parents.
Then a little later, I told her that my son’s surname was wrong. Then she sarcastically replied that it was not her fault but the school’s administrative secretary who typed. :mean: So when the examiner arrived, I told her about my son’s surname. The examiner told me not to worry because the teacher will correct this when the school starts. Then out of nowhere, the teacher sarcastically “again” told me that she already told me that she will take care of it. :reallyangry: She’s been sarcastic to me in front of many people since the time she knew that my son was not under her optional summer tutorials.
When the exams started, I stayed outside the room. Then this teacher again reprimanded the parents that the examiner knows how to give the exam so we better not disturb them. I mean OK…she can always say it nicely but she was always being sarcastic.
After the exam, I asked my son how was it. He said everything was fine except that he was not able to spell eighty nine properly. He said that was his only wrong. :yes: So, I was expecting that my son will stay at that section (which I was hoping not because of the teacher) or maybe go up a notch or down but when I came today. I was so shocked to see that my son was placed in the last section!! I couldn’t believe it!! I felt so betrayed by that teacher who didn’t want students who didn’t took summer tutorials from her!! :no:
Anyway, I didn’t want to make a fuss about it but continued with the enrollment. I was kind of disappointed with result but still I want to be descent in everything. So, I went to my son’s new teacher who was very tactful and respectful. She accommodated and respected everybody. 
While I was filling up the form for my son’s enrollment, I overheard some parents that talked about the sarcastic teacher. They said she always get into fights with parents because she is so tactless and sarcastic. If she has fights with the parents, probably she will take it to the children’s grades. She is also known for being a teacher who likes to receive gifts! 
After overhearing this, I said to myself, maybe it was really better that my child was taken out from her. I might spend more than the usual just to make her like my son eventhough she doesn’t like me. Anyway, was I wrong to ask in the first place about the wrong spelling of my son’s surname?? I think every parent’s who doesn’t want to have problems in the future wants everything to be in place with no mistake. :yes:
By the way, I am not sour grapping here because my son was placed at the last section. I know my son’s capacity and I know he will make better in every endeavor he faces. I am just so pissed with that tactless and sarcastic teacher. She just annoyed me!! Grrr… :reallyangry:
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